


I Hate Myself For Loving You

by halbromantisch



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, POV First Person, POV Louis, Realistic AU, kind of lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-12 11:41:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4477988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halbromantisch/pseuds/halbromantisch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>« “Larry Stylinson”, they call us. Well, it’s a chance they didn’t see that, because right now I wouldn’t even be able to find a proper explanation as to why Larry isn’t real. »</p><p>OR my attempt at writing how would Louis and Harry fall in love in a realistic setting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sup y'all, so I gave myself a challenge. I tried to write a fic where Louis and Harry fall in love but in a realistic setting. Like, how I imagine it would actually happen in real life.  
> This fic is in present tense, from Louis' POV. A bit as if we were inside Louis mind and heard everything that was going on.
> 
> I struggled A LOT with this, since first of all i'm not used to write in first person POV in the present tense and I had to keep it as real as possible, so it might sound a bit awkward sometimes. But, hey, I did my best.
> 
> The story is short and straight to the point, simply because I feel as though if Larry was to happen in real life, it would happen in a short amount of times since Louis and Harry have such a strong friendship already built.
> 
>  
> 
> **** I wrote this quite a while ago (around the time zayn left) so the events happening in the fic are not exactly up to date.

The studio is empty, except for Harry and me. We need to finish up that song, and so we agreed to stay a little longer to get it done by tonight. The thing is I am tired, and quite pissed. It’s just one of those days where all you want is to go home and take a long steamy shower, then lay in bed and sleep for a while.  
I'm trying to concentrate on the song, but I keep getting distracted by a tapping sound. Harry is rhythmically hitting the table with his pen, staring blankly at the half completed lyric sheet. He always does that when we are composing.

“Would you stop that,” I say rudely, without really realizing how much of an overly-irritable brat I am behaving like.

He looks at me for a moment.

“Sorry,” he says, almost sarcastic. 

I sigh, annoyed by my own attitude, and lean deeper on the couch we are both sitting on.

“Everything alright, mate?” he asks me, arching an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” I answer by habit. Truth is I'm not even sure if I'm lying or not. “It’s just…” I hesitate, not sure if I want to annoy him with my problems right now.

“It’s Zayn, isn’t it?” he wonders without really wondering.

There was no need to pretend when it came to Harry. He reads me like an open book, as cliché as it sounds.

“Kind of,” I answer. “But it’s not just that. There’s Naughty Boy. And Eleanor. I don’t know, it’s just…”

“An accumulation of all these little things happening at the same time,” he says before I could finish.

He is right. He is always right.

“Yeah,” I answer.

He puts his hand on my shoulder, pressing it softly before saying:  
“I know everything sucks right now. But it’s okay, it’s all gonna turn out fine. C’mere.”

He opens his arms, inviting me for a hug. I reluctantly draw nearer him. I am not in the mood for anyone touching me, right now. I am just not really into physical contacts when I am mad, or sad, or both. But he is my best friend and I know he is just trying his best to comfort me so I give him his hug.  
He puts his arm around me and holds me tight against him. I lean my head against his chest and listen to the rhythmic “boom baboom” of his heartbeat, for what else is there to do when someone embraces you? I start to feel the warmth emanating from his chest on my ear, and immediately start to wonder why I was reluctant to touch him in the first place. Harry’s hugs are amazing. There is something special when you hug your best friend, though I could not say what exactly. It’s like a general feeling of well-being, a sense of security, of home, almost. Harry’s arms are strong and warm around me, and for a moment, I do not feel the need to think about Zayn, or Naughty Boy, or Eleanor. 

He loosens his grip as to let go of me but I hold him tighter, not ready to lose the comfort he is offering me. He does not protest, leaning his chin on the top of my head. I think it's the longest time we have been hugging each other, without talking or anything. It does'nt matter though, none of us feel awkward or shy: I can tell by his heartbeat, remaining calm. It just feels right. I run my fingers down his spine, fondling him softly, more by reflex than anything else, really. I used to do that to Eleanor when we were hugging each other, but it does'nt feel the same. Her body was thin and frail under my fingers, while Harry’s is warm and thick. I feel his heartbeat fastening slightly as my fingers stroke his back and I surprise myself by finding pleasure in doing so. I smile, and keep on doing it as I feel his body shivering under my fingers.

“Tickles,” he whispers, laughing.

I laugh too, and continue tickling him, purposely teasing him. His body clenches as he laughs uncontrollably, and he accidentally fall on me, thus pushing me on my back and forcing me to lay down on the couch as he lays awkwardly on my chest. We both laugh even harder, realizing how weird the situation became. Let’s just say I am not used to have a boy lying on me. I’ve always liked boys, of course, but I never had the occasion to have a relationship with one, not even a one-night stand. But, surprisingly, it feels quite nice. Different, but nice. He is a bit heavier than a girl and his breast is flat against my chest, but there is something weirdly comforting in feeling the weight of his body against mine.  
We both stay in this position for a while, looking in each other’s eyes. I don’t know why. We're used to seeing each other’s face for we spend 90% of our freaking lives together, but not from this close. I am fascinated by his eyes. I always knew they were beautiful but I never got the occasion to see them from this angle. They are not green, as opposed to what I thought, but they are also tinted with a bit of grey near the middle, and even some bits of blue. I think he realized how intensely I'm looking at him because he giggles, then buries his face in the hollow of my neck, as if he was shy and trying to hide. His hair is tickling my jawline, and, for some reason, I feel the need to put my hand in his curls, and so I do. I always liked curly hair. It has a soft and fluffy texture, and I like how it feels in between my fingers. Harry knew I liked touching his hair and it never bothered him. To be honest, I think he always liked it. He is a cuddle-guy –like me. He is just too proud to admit it. 

I am playing with his hair, absent-mindedly, when I feel something on my thigh, like a bump, that was'nt there a couple of minutes ago. “Is he…Is he having an erection?” I think to myself. Of course he is, what else could it be? But it’s fine, I don’t mind. Besides, I am starting to thicken a bit too. I mean, we are both in a comfortable position, so it’s normal, right? Just two best friends lying on each other and having a boner. Well… okay, maybe not that normal, but certainly not wrong. I like Harry, more than anything. After all, he is my best friend and we are both very close. He also happens to be very well built and extremely handsome. Damn, how is he handsome. Everything in his face looks right, each of his traits are well-drawn, sharp, but in a gracious way. His lips are plumper than mine, but still manly-looking, and his nose is perfectly centered under his big, bright eyes. His facial traits are everything I wish I had myself.

“You’re beautiful,” I tell him, on a whim. I don’t know why I said that and I immediately wish I hadn’t. Especially not in these circumstances. 

He does not move. Oh my god, why did I tell him that? Just as I open my mouth to babble some excuses, he lifts his head and looks at me. 

“Well…” he starts. “Thanks, Lou. So are you,” he says, smiling, before kissing the tip of my nose.

It was a simple, little, friendly kiss. Yet, it felt like an electrical shock was spreading in my whole body, and I have to concentrate not to shiver. It’s the first time Harry’s touch makes me react like that, and it’s honestly disturbing me. I can feel my heartbeat fastening, and my hands getting sweaty. The bump in my pants keeps gaining space, and it’s getting uncomfortable down there. Harry leans his head back on my chest again. Oh no. He’s going to hear my heart pounding like crazy. And I don’t even know why it’s so crazy in the first place. I mean, it’s just Harry. My best friend. So, why is my body reacting as if I had the prettiest girl lying on me naked? Am I getting turned on by my best friend?  
No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. This cannot be. It’s weird, it’s wrong, and I won’t accept that. It’s probably just my brain freaking out because this is the first form of human contact I’ve had in a pretty long time. Besides, I have hugged and kissed and touched Harry multiple times in the last five years, and I had never felt this way before. But it’s the first time we hugged for so long, though… And not to mention the fact that we’re completely alone together. Oh, crap. I really am crushing on my best friend. Okay, okay, let’s not panic. It’s probably just a “phase”. I’m just turned on because of the hype of the moment. It’ll all going to turn to normal by tomorrow. Well, I guess. I hope. Oh please, let it come back to normal soon.

His hand is on my chest, next to where he’s laying his head. It’s warm, and I just want to press my own hand against it, and stroke it. But that’s not going to help me forget my “phase”. Yet, I can’t help myself. He’s so soft. I put my other hand in his hair and he reacts by holding me even tighter. I wonder what he’s thinking about. Maybe he’s crushing on me too. Dear god, let’s hope not. He is still hard, I feel him on my thigh. But that doesn’t mean anything. Maybe he’s just very comfortable. It doesn’t mean he sees it the same way I do.

He lifts his head, and looks directly at me. Oh my god. He starts caressing my cheekbones with the tip of his fingers. I don’t even know how I am still breathing. My heart is beating so fast that my hands start to tingle, and my stomach starts to hurt. He’s so beautiful. Yes, my best friend truly is handsome. I can’t take my eyes off of his lips. I wonder how they taste, how they would feel on mine. Before I even have the time to tell myself how wrong that thought was, his lips were clapped against mine. They do feel extremely soft, though some tiny hair from his beard stings on my chin a bit. My heart is practically tap dancing inside my chest. I open my mouth slightly to catch my breath, and immediately reattach my lips to his: my body physically won’t allow me to let go of him. As I press my hands tight on his hips, our lips frantically search for each other, so aggressively that, at this point, I don’t even know if we’re still kissing, or if we’re biting each other. All I know is that I’ve never had a more pleasant kiss in all my life.


	2. Chapter 2

My lips are literally swollen. I don’t know how long we’ve been kissing, but it must have been at least ten minutes, without even exaggerating. I think it’s because none of us were ready to face the awkwardness that would follow this act. But we had to stop, whether we wanted to or not, and so I was the one who broke the kiss by slowly detaching my lips from his. And now, here I am.

“So…” I say, avoiding all eye contact with him.

“I…” he starts to answer, but never finishes.

I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t even know what to tell my own self. I literally just made out with my best friend. I, Louis Tomlinson, made out with my best friend, Harry Styles. I used to laugh at the fans thinking Harry and me were in a relationship. “Larry Stylinson”, they call us. Well, it’s a chance they didn’t see that, because right now I wouldn’t even be able to find a proper explanation as to why Larry isn’t real.

“I’m sorry,” Harry finally manages to say. “I don’t know why I did that. It was stupid.”

You don’t say.

“Yeah. The hype of the moment, I guess,” I answer with a forced laugh.

He laughs too, a painfully fake and awkward laugh. I want to die.

“Let’s just forget about it, okay?” he says. “It didn’t happen.”

“Never happened.”

We stay silent for a while.

“So,” he says with forced energy as he got up from me, “how about we finish that song, eh?”

“Oh, right, the song,” I answer, suddenly remembering about it. “Let’s finish that up”.

 

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

We worked on the song for an hour after that, trying our best to forget about the kiss. We finished it quite easily, since we already had a good idea of how it was going to turn out in the end, but the awkwardness was disturbingly palpable. 

We’re both in the car now, on the way home. I’m driving and he’s sitting shotgun. None of us dared yet to talk again about what happened earlier. We’re both acting like nothing happened, like we agreed to do, but I hate it. I mean, yes, of course, we had to forget it all and stay professional, and keep on doing our work but for fuck's sake. We didn't just exchanged a peck on the cheek, we literally had our tongues in each other's mouths... But I just don’t know how to act otherwise. I know it’s going to be awkward. I’m not ready for that. I also know I’m going to have to remember the kiss in every detail, how much I enjoyed it, how fast my heart beat, how shaky I was. I’m _definitely_ not ready for that either. 

We get out the car and I decide to stay outside a little bit before getting inside. 

“I’ll join you in a couple minutes,” I tell Harry as I hand him the keys to our flat. 

I take my pack of cigarettes out of my pocket and light one up. I stare at the ground, trying to make sense of the past events as I feel the smoke passing through my teeth. “I shouldn’t have done that” is literally all goes through my mind right now. I had made things incredibly uncomfortable between me and my best friend, and that forever, probably. I ruined everything in a matter of minutes, and it infuriates me.  “Fucking shit”, I mutter as I kick a little rock on the ground, after making sure no one was looking at me.  I’m just a fucking disgusting idiotic faggot who kissed his best friend. And you know the worst part? You know what makes me want to slap myself in the face with a baseball bat? It’s that I liked it. Each and every second of it. And I hate myself for that.

I smoke the last puff like it was the last one in forever, savouring the burning feeling in my throat, temporarily numbing the pain away. I then exhale, letting go of all the filth as I watch it swirling around in the air before evaporating.


	3. Chapter 3

I open the door to our flat, and see him sitting on the couch, watching TV. I take off my shoes and force myself to go sit next to him, though I really want to run away from him and never see his stupidly gorgeous face again. But we need to talk about it again. It’s already awkward, anyway. Okay, let’s do this. 1, 2, 3:

“Harryweneedtotalk.”

He looks at me and sigh deeply.

“You’re right”, he answers, knowing exactly what I wanted to talk about. “I just… I don’t know, you seem to be going through a particularly rough period these days, more than me and the other boys. You know, Zayn leaving, your tiny twitter fight with him and Naughty Boy, your recent breakup with Eleanor. I wanted to comfort you, show you my support…”

Well, that’s one way of showing support to your friend!

“But at some point,” he continues, “I didn’t even know if I was hugging you to comfort you or to comfort myself… And then, we were so close from each other and, I don’t know, it just felt…”

“It just felt right to do so.”

We both keep silent for a moment.

“Yeah,” he finally answers.

Does that mean he enjoyed it too?

“But did you… Did you feel something?” I ask him, looking everywhere but in his direction.

“Did you?” he simply answers.

“I asked you first.”

“I asked you second.”

It is no time for joke but we both laugh anyway. When he regains his calm, he says:  
“I never felt anything special, actually…”

Well. I don’t know what I was expecting anyway.

“Until today,” he finishes.

Oh.

“What about you?” he asks, staring at me.

Better be honest, then.

“Well, I... I kinda... felt something...too. I think.”

Long, awkward silence.

“Was it the first time you kissed a boy?” he asks me.

“It was. You?”

“If we’re not counting James Corden, then yeah.”

I laugh.

“We obviously aren’t counting James.”

He laughed too before saying:  
“Well, anyway, you’re a good kisser.”

My heart skips a beat. Flashbacks of his lips on mine go through my mind. Oh! how I would like to feel them again. And to know that he liked it too is just… I don’t know. I want to kiss him again. I know it’s extremely inappropriate to feel attracted to him, I mean, at this point it’s almost like my brother. We’re in a flipping band together, for fuck’s sake. But I can’t help myself.

“I can be better than that,” I answer him.

This was probably the riskiest thing I said in all my life but Harry answers:  
“Show me, then.”

He smiles as he looks at me, and I hold his face with my hands, wondering if he can feel how sweaty they are, thanks to him. I’ve never wanted to kiss someone more than I do right now. A blink of an eye later, our lips are sealed together again, my heart is losing control like never before, and I can’t help but to sit astride him. He encircles me with his arms, pressing me so tight against him, I’m scared he will break my bones. His fingers are drawing circles in my back, giving me shivers that contrast to the burning sensation his kisses give me.  
The moment of absolute bliss I’m in right now is better than all the good moments I had with ex-girlfriends _combined_. If kissing my best friend is wrong, then I don’t care not being right. If this is what Larry really is, then I regret not making it real earlier.


	4. Chapter 4

I’m playing with Harry’s curl, twirling it around my fingers to get him to wake up. We went to sleep together shortly after our second make out session, both exhausted by these intense, sudden feelings. It all just happened so fast. Even now, after a full night of sleep, I can’t believe it. It seems surreal, like a dream almost.

“Good morning, love,” he says as he turns around and puts his arms around me.

“Love,” I think to myself while I pull myself closer to him. I know I’m extremely, irrevocably attracted to Harry. I can’t deny that anymore, even if I wanted to. But, love? I never really thought about it this way. I do love Harry from all my heart, as a friend. But I don’t know if I’m ready to admit that I’m in love with him. I don’t even know if I’m ready to fall in love again, period.

But anyways. Let’s just enjoy the moment for now. I’m into the arms of the most beautiful person on earth, comfortably laid in my bed. Well, we aren’t that comfortable since we slept in our clothes of yesterday, but it doesn’t matter. We’re together.

“Good morning, babe,” I answer him.

I don’t know why I called him babe. I used to call Eleanor that. But I think it fits him better.

“You have a sexy voice in the morning,” he tells me. “All raspy and low.”

I can’t help but to smile.

“You too” I reply as I place a tiny kiss on his forehead. 

He takes my hand, kisses it, and let it rest on his cheek, allowing me to stroke the area.

“I don’t regret kissing you,” he says.

“I don’t regret it either” I reply. 

That would have been a lie, yesterday. But today, it doesn’t feel like one. I don’t know how this is all going to turn out. I don’t know what we’ll tell the boys. Or the fans. Did Larry just become real? I can’t say for sure. What I’m sure of, though, is that I love Harry. I’m still trying to figure out in what way. But I do. I always did and I always will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it y'all. Happened fast, didn't it? But I think i'm quite satisfied with the final product. There's a lot of stuff to improve and change of course, there always is, but in general I think it's pretty okay.  
> Any reviews? Or kudos? Would be greatly appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Any constructive reviews or kudos? Would be greatly appreciated :)  
> I'll post the next chapters if I see that you guys seem to like it.


End file.
